How Deep Is Your Love?

This year started off better than ever. January I put in one of the best training blocks I had ever thought to accomplish. Running splits in workouts faster than I even thought I could, surprising myself continuously every Tuesday. Followed up with back to back epic long runs. Then in February I was sidelined with an awful back injury. It came out of nowhere and quickly turned all my plans and goals for the year on their head. Black Canyon 100k ended at mile 20 with my second DNF (2nd in a row, too, to add insult to the previous six months of injury & rebuilding). But that story was already told...

Bishop's Peak. My new favorite workout arena.

I hit PT hard. Pilates, weights, squats, one day off mandatory per week... I came back gradually. So gradual, it felt unbearable. I checked all the boxes and crossed all my t's. I was becoming really strong from the cross training and had a good base. Soon, I was crushing some of my runs. It felt really, really good. So I got comfortable. Cruising up the coastal mountains and gliding over technical trails, I had grins bigger than a Cheshire cat pasted on my face. Things started to look up and I dreamt up some big ideas.

I'd follow Loren Fisher anywhere in the world.

Three weeks ago I started to feel very tired. My runs seemed to be dragging and I accounted that to lack of sleep. Then when I took a 3 hour nap after class inadvertently (after sleeping 10 hours the night before), I knew something was up. Of course my mind went immediately to Lyme Disease. It presents like mono and I have had it before. Some days that week I couldn't run. I was sleeping a lot and missing out on daily activities. I got a blood test and that came back negative for Lyme (thank god). but I had low ferritin. Stephanie told me that anemia only occurs when low ferritin is in combination with low RBCs. But I was still SO tired. Biking two miles to school I felt like I was going to pass out from exertion. I started taking iron anyways.


The anguish and frustration set in. I wasn't myself and I was stressed. I hated how the act of standing up from my desk caused fatigue and light headedness. I didn't even want to go to class most days, as waking up seemed almost impossible. I was an endurance athlete! We push our bodies for HOURS... DAYS even!

I have a journal I write messages to myself of various sorts.

I went to visit my best friend Loren and her boyfriend, Chad, up in Bishop over the weekend. She was car camping, skiing, running, climbing, and adventuring for the entire month of April. We had made plans to run up White Mountain, a 14er that we had both yet to check off The List. I took my boyfriend Zach with me. We climbed in Owen's River Gorge, he got to mountain bike, we hiked at Convict Lake, he learn to glissade on Esha Peak, camp, soaked in hot springs, and we did a light jog (read: 15 min max for me). It was a perfect weekend. However, being at 9000' made me feel like I was at 18,000'. I accidentally took a parking lot nap while they played on Esha. I was thoroughly disappointed I couldn't play in the mountains as hard as I wanted to. I felt bad because I was probably holding him and the group back, too.

Hiking in the Gorge

So this week, I planned to start running. I wanted desperately to be back on the damn horse. I decided I had been sucking for far too long and that was that. Of course I then get a kidney infection. Super fun. Hit again with more fatigue and an aching back, I was sidelined for a couple more days. As my roommate Ashley says, Nerts. I got on antibiotics and that helped a ton (I have more to say on the subject of antibiotics vs nothing, aka stupidity). I immediately started to feel human by Thursday. I even went on a 20 minute run! (with about 3 stop breaks) So, progress. I was determined and regained some hope. I was excited to run and get back on the trails. I even went to the gym Saturday! I have energy and a smile has started to creep back on my face.

Froyo solves all the world's problems

Wednesday was a different story, though. At around 3 pm I totally lost it. The anxiety, frustration, depression, and general crapiness had been slowly rolling inside; turning over and over. I felt royally of crap and people treated me like crap that day. The pot boiled over; I hit my breaking point. It seemed like every part of my body was failing me. I was sad and anguished over the mess of it all. I had already wiped my 2016 drawing board clean and rebuilt ground-up several times since last July. I didn't want to go through that again, especially this soon. It seemed like I couldn't catch a break. Face down on the floor, I hated myself. I hated everything about what I was doing at the moment. The people at my school, the small town with no forests, my boring intro classes, but mostly I hated my body... I have such big dreams and aspirations, but seem to be failing every time I set my sights on something with one health issue after another. I was doing everything right in my eyes. The feeling of helplessness and ineptitude took hold. I didn't want to text Stephanie because I knew exactly what she would say. I just wanted to wallow in it all.

No caption needed.

Thursday morning I biked to school and was listening to my tunes. I was gripping the handlebars a little tighter than usual and had a grimace on my face ("resting bitch glare"). If looks could kill... On shuffle, my ipod came up with the Calvin Harris song, How Deep Is Your Love. To preface this, every song on my running playlist has a purpose: they are upbeat, funny, joyful, and have a mantra of sorts. The line "Hit me harder, again. How deep is your love?"... well... it hit me hard. I thought about how you have to dig deep and really battle yourself more than anything in this sport. The mind is the most dangerous opponent. Physical obstacles are just roadblocks that sideline us. But the questioning, doubting, and fear they instil is incomparable. In the psyche, this has two outcomes: either takes you down into a irrevocable spiral or makes you stronger for it while lighting a fire. Listening to the techno beat, I decided for the latter.

I still feel wildly out of shape (I know fitness is there, it's just hiding). I'm trying really hard not to lose it again and be smart. It's hard and the mental Olympics are even harder. I have some goals and I will make them happen. It's still, after all, only May. I know my body is a fierce fighter through all these issues and I have been incredibly lucky. So I'm going to keep fighting. I guess I should start playing the Grateful Game again, huh Steph?

"So tell me how deep is your love, can you go deeper?"

Balance.

Recently I published a blog post for SisuGirls on balance. It's hard to attain and I have to keep reminding myself to continuously practice the art of reaching for it. As I am coming back from a tough injury that has put my dreams on hold for a bit, I need to practice what I preach with even more vigor. If I get swept up in negative thinking, taking on too much, and not properly recovering the body & mind, I definitely go a little crazy. Anxiety attacks are a real and common thing in my world. Sometimes all I need to do is just sit down on the trail for a bit and deep breathe. Connecting back to why I am out there brings me back to the present and makes for more quality time spent outside and in my work.

Here is the blog post.

It is 7:15 pm. The sun is setting, and I sit in my car at the trailhead, still in my clothes from work. I let out a long audible sigh though nobody is around to hear it. I am tired, I have a lot of homework, and I would rather go home to make dinner and drift into a magical dreamland. But I have goals, dreams, and the will to be much greater than I am. And so the trail beckons and my footsteps soon hit the crunchy gravel.

Why do we do this? Why do we choose pain and discomfort from the regular mundane? It’s because adventurous people cannot sit still. We thrive from working hard, sweating daily, and that feeling of accomplishment. Adventurous people are both intrinsically motivated and intrinsically satisfied.

So, how do we do it? How can we pursue goals, adventure, and an outdoor lifestyle while still adhering to the expectations of the regular world? The answer is simple: finding balance.

I have thought about this often and thoroughly. But after watching a short film created by my friends and sisters in sports, Stephanie Howe & Ashley Arnold, I decided to put pen to paper and write it out concretely.

To attain balance, here are some tips I try to follow:

BE GOAL ORIENTED.

I find I can pursue my absolute best when I set goals for myself. I like to make micro and macro goals. For instance, I ask myself, what can I do this week, this month? What do I want to accomplish? Is it a full work week with two long runs on the weekend? For my macro goals, I like to dream big. What exciting adventure am I saving up for? When I graduate, what career do I want to pursue? Sometimes those lofty dreams can seem super far away in the moment, so having micro goals help to keep the workflow going smoothly and to grant minor successes along the way.

REWARD YOURSELF.

Setting standards for yourself and being disciplined isn’t sustainable in the long run unless you give yourself a reward now and then. These can go hand in hand with your micro and macro goals. For example, I strive to do my school work diligently and adhere to my training schedule each week. So after I have finished studying and completed my long run, I will indulge in my favorite dark chocolate almonds or a mocha latte. My macro goals are almost rewards in itself. When I graduate college, I want to spend the summer in Europe training for my ultimate goal: The Ultra Trail du Mont Blanc 100 mile. Playing in the Alps will be my treat for studying hard and finishing my classes.

BE FLEXIBLE.

It’s okay; life happens. Failing to do a task or not completing a goal is totally fine. Everybody goes through this, and it always provides a lesson. There are days when I cannot get out to the trails because of work or school. One day off will not kill you or completely set you back. Stepping back and relaxing is even encouraged once in a while. If you have too much going on, pursuing mental health and stability is of much greater importance.

MAKE IT A HABIT.

As a student, my life is constantly on the go. But budgeting time and thinking ahead helps me get things done in work and play. Making things routine may seem to revert life back to the mundane and regular, but that’s where the reward system comes in to spice it up! I always change the location of my Saturday morning run to keep it interesting. They say it takes 21 days to create a habit. So when it gets hard, don’t lose hope. It WILL get easier.

HAVE FUN!

The whole point of why we are out there is because we love it! Stopping to look at vistas, picking flowers, and jumping around on rocks lets me connect back to my original purpose of playing outside. Everything you are doing, you should be doing because you love it.

Around 9:00 pm, I arrive back to the trailhead. Breathless, sweaty, dirty, and with rosy cheeks. I am grinning. I ran fast up one hill, and I almost tripped on a few rocks. A flower, almost dead from a beating, is strewn across my hair. It was blooming in the sunset, and I just had to pick it. It is now dark, and I didn’t get to study as much as I wanted for that one test tomorrow, but the happiness and triumph from my heart furiously beating is worth so much more.

The Atacama Pacer Report

On Tuesday, May 12, I arrived in San Pedro de Atacama in Chile. It is a small town, ruled by dogs, and in a desert north of chile and west of the Andes. With vistas of glorious volcanoes, my heart was happy for the opportunity to explore. If anybody was wondering where or why or what I was doing, it was to pace Rory Bosio in a 100 mile extreme desert race.

Just your average sunrise

Night before the race we were getting everything all set out and ready. Rory and I had gone over our game plan several times and talked about the race. Of course over our ritual nail polish sesh. We went over what would be in each bag, how she wants her nutrition laid out and at what points and where it would be put in her glorious polka dot pack. We settled in for a relaxing slumber and turned out the lights.

This was a common scene at each Checkpoint

At around 3 am I wake up to hear Rory screaming get out get out!!! Apparently the hotel cat had climbed through the window, pounced on her and tried to get into her covers. I also learned that while I was sleeping she was puking her brains out from nausea. Possibly last nights salmon dinner was the culprit... 

At 630 we wake up, breakfast is made and coffee drained. We put on our kits and lug all the bags and shit out the the cars. 

We get to the start and Rory and I find a nice spot by the local church to pee, per my pre race tradition. The start was super mellow in the town square of San Pedro de Atacama as there were only 40 racers total braving the desert. Rory sets off setting the pace. It was so rad to trail alongside her watching the kilometers pass by and cheering them on. Before the first checkpoint at km 20ish, Rory was passed by Mattias. 

low key start

We got to the first checkpoint, aka aid stations with water, coke, Gatorade, chips and granola bars. Maybe some other things but not much. Rory came screaming in and out looking amazing. I did my job as crew and set out food, took warm outer wear, and filled her bladder.

We spend some more time following and met her again at CP2. This was 40k in the race and pretty freaking hot. Rory rolled in there in 3:40ish with another dude and they charged out to what was considered the roughest part of the course along the salt flats.

I have no idea what we were laughing at. (Not my pic)

We couldn't follow the runners along the salt flats as cars couldn't go on the squishy, crusty, crackled terrain. However, after a long time of waiting at CP3, 60k in the race, Rory finally came out in the lead with nobody near. I fixed her things per usual, but jumped in too. I was supposed to pace her the whole entire last 100k. This would severely test my limits because I have to put on a good face as pacer and I do not allow myself to start feeling crappy when I need to be the one entertaining and keeping my runner positive. I have paced several times before, never that distance and I am not the best heat runner. Additionally, on top of that, this desert race, which is all monotonously flat, is also situated at a nice 8200'. I live at sea level. Nevertheless, I am stoked. 

NaCl for miles!

So we start running. It's fun and nice and were having great boy talk and girl gossip. I'm telling her my wildest and craziest stories and also getting some from her. At about 4 miles in we come upon two freshwater mini lakes. Of course she jumps right in and I don't blame her with the insane heat!! (It was then 330pm). We continue on a dirt road for the rest of that segment. We were both in good spirits and moving at a pretty good clip -930-1030 min per mile. Rory was still emptying herself from last night but doing great. I was fine until I started to feel a stomach cramp at mi 8. I just grinned and bared it and thought maybe I should just try to pee or poop it out. Or take electrolytes. So I popped a squat to no avail while Rory kept running. I sped up to try to catch her, still with the stomach ache. All of a sudden I found myself hands on knees puking several times. I felt like shit. I was dizzy, goosebumps and still with a stomach ache. I tried to catch back up to her and eventually caught up a bit. I was about 10-15m behind her and stayed like that for quite a while. In the next 2 mi I puked about 5 more times and she said I was having altitude sickness but we have to stay together due to race regulations. I felt terrible. I came to Chile, across the freaking equator, to pace my friend and take care of her but the roles reversed. She became the one cheering me on and telling me I need to keep swinging my arms. I felt so bad I was holding her back. She is an amazing athlete but an even more incredible friend for dealing with me with a smile. It was maybe the longest feeling 5k to the next CP. The thing was you could see it but not get any closer- like a mirage in the desert heat.

classic.

I was so dizzy I thought I was gonna pass out when we got there. Rory got her pack re situated and took off. I was gonna take a breather, take care of myself, and get ready to go again. I really didn't want to let her down and want to be there for her in the tough parts. We hugged as she charged off down the dirt road. I sat down for a bit trying to keep it together despite wanting to both cry and puke. I felt like a pansy for not being able to handle 15 miles and she was at 50miles.

Anyways, I curled up in a ball in the car and kept sipping coke. One of the guys I was with went and got me little candies infused with the local Coca leaves. This helps with digestion and altitude sickness so I was popping these things in left and right. I managed a picky bar and banana too as I hadn't had calories in 4 hours or so.

RB making dirty jokes early in the race

We went out to get to CP5 to meet Rory at 100k. The sun was setting and the landscape was magnificent. We had to drive on these super sketch salt flats following tire tracks for direction. Big kudos to our driver for navigating that. Once at cp5 which was the 108km mark, we saw the stars come out and waited for Rory. Sure enough, she was first and rolling in. We got her stuff situated with warm clothing and food. She didn't want me to pace her yet, and I feel really really bad. I feel like such a let down for her and a total loser.

But, I will continue to do my best to help her in any way I can. She was rocking and rolling this thing. However, as we headed out to CP6 to meet her, we looked back to see her headlamp circling. Worried she was lost out there, we stopped for a bit. A truck drove out to meet her and give her direction so we took off. Later I found out she got off course for around 2 hours and the truck driver had no idea where the course was. The race director had to drive out and guide them back to the dirt road. When Rory finally got to CP6 her lead had greatly shortened and she had put a lot more stressful miles in between checkpoints. Before she came, I was told I was supposed to be taken back to the hotel to rest. I said oh hell effing no. And just like that, any residual inkling of sickiness vanished. Rory came in and I got her stuff per usual. However, now she wanted me to take her into the finish for the last "30km".

Found her doppleganger in the town's TNF store

I was super jazzed to be back with her and guiding her through the last bits. She told me "silence is golden" as she was too brain dead to follow any stories. Instead I kept her on pace per her request and reminded her every little bit to eat or drink. Once off the road we wound on some sandy or hard cracked terrain. It was pretty crazy.

This section was the worst. The flags  directing us were spaced so far apart that it was a struggle to find them. Our headlamps- my Petzl RXP and her NAO and an additional small light still wasn't bright enough to look that far ahead. Additionally, the reflective tape on the flag was maybe a square centimeter- again, super hard to find in the dark. Some flags had fallen over and I stopped to pick them up and place them upright several times. It was a wicked game of I Spy. But we pressed on and I found flags for her. Christian, the RD, even came out to help guide us. We found our bearings and eventually figured it out to Valle de la Luna. This would've been amazing in the daylight.

View from top of a sand dune

We wound around super cool clay-like boulders and hills. She was pushing hard at this point and very spent mentally- due to the flat course, it was a ton more runnable terrain, which is not what she was used to for 100 miles. We were still hitting 10-11 min pace. She was crushing it and I was so grateful to witness such amazing athleticism and endurance. 

Valle de Luna off to the left

She threw a couple jokes in here and there: "do you want a jolly rancher?" (As I was opening the candy) "then go eff a farmer". And there was more. We finally come upon this tunnel and it was about 400-600m long. Very cool to run through and the final CP was on the other side. Homestretch baby!!

yummy pisco sour!

She grabbed some chips, enough coke to last the 10km to finish and we jet off. There was a rocky, technical downhill here to the dirt road from Pukkar de Quittor into town. I had run this the other day exploring so I knew the rest of the way well. This seemed to put her mind at ease. However, downhill after probably already 100 miles of running hurt a lot. But she is so freaking tough, she pushed through it. We had to cross a couple rivers along the way through that park on the dirt road. The RD said there was two but we crossed maybe four. At this point we were pushing hard and I was playing some of her favorite tunes out loud for added motivation. We had to cross one more big river right outside the town and we opted to use the ratty pedestrian bridge. Heading into town we lost the flags but I knew the way to the town square where she had started. When we turned the corner and the banner was in sight, she went for it. God I was so excited for her to finish! She broke the tape as the first ever finisher of the Atacama Xtreme 100miler in just after 20 hours. She had bested the men and women in the field on terrain and with conditions she is not accustomed to, which makes it even more amazing. I am in such awe and so incredulous I got to be there with her and contribute in a small way to her success.

I really look up to Rory and value her friendship so much. I learned so much and look forward to many more adventures with her. We had a great time in the desert and it was such an epic trip. I really cannot express or put into words how amazed I am that I had an opportunity to visit, explore and run in South America- a place below the equator and where I had never been before. Despite stress from taking off 1,5 weeks of school in the middle of a hard quarter, it was 110% worth it (at least that's what I keep repeating to myself!). I have no regrets and I would rather receive bad grades making up midterms than trade my experiences in a new and foreign country. I made some lasting friendships and learned things I definitely would not have learnt in a classroom in California. I guess I truly take the motto Never Stop Exploring to heart. As well as my own personal mantra of seize every opportunity and make things happen when following goals, dreams and ideas. 

LD50- "Leona Divide 50m" or "Lethal Dose 50%." Take Your Pick.

Disclaimer: Some content and language is not suitable for children under the age of 18.

Leona Divide 50m came and went on Saturday. I was super excited for this race. Other than track 5ks, I've never raced southern California. I was especially excited to get on the PCT trail- the pictures I furiously google image & race report stalked were gorgeous.

Drawing course maps > Studying

The weekend before the race, as if I wasn't nervous enough, I got sick. I was congested, super tired, and felt overall very very crappy. For me, when I get sick, I still regain a high level of functionality and can go about daily activities (work, school) fine, but running sucks and I feel terrible. I took sunday off and tried blasting my system with every immune-boosting thing I could think of. I chugged EmergenC like it was coffee- my life depended on it. Tuesday I attempted a very light track workout but was so slow, heavy and wrecked. I took pretty much the rest of the week off & laid low after advice from Stephanie Howe and other friends.

Friday I shook out for 20 minutes and drove down with my (much more sick) roommate to her house in Simi Valley. I stayed the night there then woke very, very early after a fitful, nervous, not very sound sleep to drive the rest of the way to Santa Clarita.

I was pumped. I was excited, feeling a bit better and ready to go. I was so thrilled to test my limits in a 50 miler (I ran TNF50 for "fun" and just cruised comfortably & casually). I had so much confidence in myself and really, really trusted in my training. Meghan's advice was to challenge myself. Who knew that that would take on a whole new meaning....

Obviously too optimistic Pre-race

Seeing friends Billy Yang and Gina Lucrezi at the start was so welcome as I didn't know anybody else. Gina and I started out together, we were in the lead, and I tried my hardest to take it casual in the beginning. We were running up 2.75m to the PCT trail and then would go out and back in both directions. (See course map for reference so you know what the heck I'm talking about if you are not familiar with this course). I stopped to pee and she kept going, so I was just content on keeping her in my sights. I ran a couple miles with Billy, which was super fun, and I loved talking to someone. Though, he turned at the first aid station for the 50k and I had to keep going. At this point, I was feeling "alright". I assumed it was just a matter of shaking off the cobwebs from not running at all in the past week, and that soon I would be warmed up. (Again, would take on a different meaning once the sun came fully out).

Going up the hill from that AS, the woman who would go on to win, passed me. I was kind of struggling to get a rhythm and tried talking to her to bring myself to a better place, but she just replied, "sorry but I'm breathing out of my ass!" I let her go and figured I could definitely catch her on the downhill, my specialty. We had a 6 mile downhill to the second AS, at mi 17.5, which was also the first turnaround. On the downhill, my legs were not responsive. I stumbled over rocks and was cursing myself. On the previous climb I was wishing I hadn't even started, as a DNF idea was being entertained. Multiple guys passed me on the downhill and I could barely pick my feet up. Everything was so forced! By this point, I had tucked my skirt into the liner shorts (Real attractive look. Seriously, holla at me boys) because I was just so frustrated with life and hot and not having a good time. Misery at it's "finest." I saw Gina close to the AS on her return as well as the blue-skirt lady and exchanged high fives and words of mumbled encouragement (It was already BLAZING balls hot out.) Gina was 12 minutes in front of me at that point. I don't know why I didn't think to drop there, maybe I told myself I'd keep going, to at least get SOME mileage out of a taper week and training. But then I also had to go up that god-forsaken 6 mi hill. FML.

Cause sparkles make you faster, duh.

At first, I struggled. But then I just set my sights low on pace and chugged. Surprisingly, I managed and got up it in around 70mins. I was definitely off my suspected 8 hr pace, but the guy I strava stalked made it up in the same time, so I gave myself a little pat on the back for that. At this point, a woman, Ms. Neon shirt, came up and was topping out the hill with me. We ran for a stretch along the top but she gapped me towards the middle of the downhill back to the aid station. At this point in time, I had already written a DNF race report in my head, played out my phone conversation with Meghan, and accepted deep in my heart that I would DNF for the first time and not finish my 9th ultra. I reasoned that several runners have DNFed on a not-so great day and that it was fine; I'd live to fight another day, another race... I stumbled down the hill, not so much from my heavy legs, but from the tears building up in my eyes. I was crushed in every aspect of the word.

I came upon the aid station, mi 26, in the midst of cheers and horns and cowbells. What should have been a spirit booster and ragin' good time. They asked me what they could do and I just started sobbing, repeating "I don't want to finish". They sat me down in a chair and put ice on my back, while I cried my heart out. I can't remember the last time I cried that hard. Usually, when it is hot and dry, my nose bleeds. (My nose was a bloody boogery mess the whole day- right from the start). So, I was spewing blood, boogers, snot and tears all over this poor volunteer. She was force feeding me coke and otter pops (holy good lord those were effing amazing). Back up on the hill, when I knew I wouldn't continue, I stopped eating and drinking. Big time No No. (By the time I reached the AS I hadn't consumed calories in 1.5hrs). I sat there crying for 20 mins while this saint talked to me about all things- her grad studies, where I studied, where we were from, a story about a cute guy, everything. The tears subsided as I had nothing left. She kept asking me every 5 mins or so if I was ready to get back out there, and I kept responding "No, I'm done. I suck. I don't want to go. I want to go home". She never said okay, she just said well lets wait some more. At one point I stopped my watch, knowing it was final and resolute that I would drop.

This was probably the lowest point I've ever, ever reached in my career as an athlete. (Aside from season-ending injuries). I've never spent more than 10 minutes at an AS and I spent at least 45 there. She kept asking me if I was ready to go and my resolve was getting weaker and weaker. She said, "hey, so I've been dying to get out for a run, you can run out with me for three miles and can turn around and come back at any point, but I will go out three miles. Come with me." I got so fed up with sucking and being miserable and I have no idea why the hell, but I obliged and we set off. I took an otter pop to go and we started booking up the trail. I felt great. Not super fresh, but way better. We had a great conversation, but then three miles flew by. She told me go catch that guy and then she would turn around. (We were passing people like they stood still). I caught him and she bid me farewell with the best hug. I was so grateful. I knew then that I would finish. My time goals and competition goals were completely thrown out of the 87th floor window, but I knew I would get through it. I was happy.

But that doesn't mean that the last 22 were smooth sailing on an otter pop high.... I ran the rest of the way up to that T junction and the AS. I filled my water, grabbed Gu and two cokes. Unfortunately, they did not have otter pops at any other station. I continued on to the last turn around. Go ahead, look at the elevation profile the course website boasts. No. False. That is not an accurate representation of what we suffer through. What seems like small rollies with a short climb, for good measure, to the finish was actually long climbs wrapping exposed mountains. For instance, I'd come around a turn and my initial thoughts would be, "wow! what gorgeous mountains! god, I need to make a mental note of exploring SoCal more!" Low, and behold, we would be waddling our sorry, broken asses up and over those far and distant mountains... I would see a stripe of trail weaving up, of course, one hill and I'd say "nahhhhhh we couldn't *POSSIBLY* be going up there! that's too far..." Then I'd see small dots moving up it. Bloody hell. I was pretty slow heading out to that turn around, I'd walk on some of the uphill, but at least I was generally moving and passing all the 50k-ers. I kept waiting to see the first 50 milers (Cause then I knew I was at least somewhat close to the oasis, I mean Aid station...) Sure enough, after what seemed like eternities, the 50 milers began passing me on their return. I saw the first and second woman. I talked with Neon Shirt for a bit, and encouraged her to chase down the blue skirt lady (They were 20 mins apart).

Oh HELL yeah!

I got to the AS 10 mins later and saw F3 leave. So I thought I was 4th. I quickly filled my bottles and headed out. (Of course after dumping ice down my sports bra and down my "shorts". (Real interesting while running...)) I walked up that short little climb to recoop and process mentally that I only had 10 miles to go. (Good god I was so excited to be done). Then I started running and didn't really stop... That last part went by a lot quickly than before. So, I'll just give you the highlights: after the ice melted a guy thought I peed my pants, I got stung by a bee on my boob, I found out I could jump at mi 44 when I stumbled upon a rattlesnake, and some woman told me "wow you're doing the 50 miler? You look like a goddess!" (It was definitely due to my glorious sun burn radiating from my bloody, sweaty and salty skin). I quickly found out that I was actually 6th female, as I passed two other 50mi runners that I hadn't seen previously. The last woman I passed was walking up a short incline less than two miles from the finish. I had no idea what her legs were like so I was scared that she would catch me. I ran those last two miles like a herd (?) of snakes were chasing me, licking my heels. Once I hit the pavement, with 1.25 mi of pure downhill to go, I let loose. I could smell the barn, as Tera Dube said of her sprint finish at LS50 last weekend. I could taste my blood-booger encrusted lips as I couldn't help but grin ear to ear like a doped out dweeb. I rounded the corner and finished. I had actually freaking finished. Unfortunately, I did not have my mom or dad with me, and was caught in an embrace by RD Keira Henninger and a medic. I kept saying "I finished! I finished!" like some lunatic as they dragged me to a chair. She gave me my medal and 4th overall Female mug, which were beautifully crafted. I congratulated her on an amazing event with an ass-kicking-ly brutal course.

Thanks Keira Henninger for a great event!

I finished 4th female, and something like 9:37 hours. I won my age group (20-29) and beat enough guys to be 25th overall. I am so, so proud to have been able to finish that thing and come out alive. I didn't feel right all day, but still developed a deeper, richer mental strength to use in my impending 100 mile race. I have such an overwhelming amount of love, gratitude and respect to the tireless, energetic & saintly volunteers who really made this day happen for me. Whelp. I challenged myself. I feel I did not run to my potential or ability, which is a bit upsetting and disappointing. I know I can run a lot faster and be more a more aggressive competitor, but given the conditions and my health/mental state, I am just glad to have finished. I don't feel as completely wrecked (save a few blisters and sore feet), so I'm excited to get back out there and try, try again for the next adventure. (Cause, if at first you don't succeed...)

I have an appetite to be my absolute best and push my boundaries, and it's only gotten stronger. Now I really am determined for retribution at the 50 mile distance!

Tiger wearing my lucky T Shirt

HUGE thank you to everyone who supports and encourages me. I really thought about a lot of you and it definitely helped pull me through the rough patches. I am so, so thankful to have so many friends and people in my life that are so inspirational and encouraging- I don't know what I do to deserve it, but I love, love having you all in my life.

Strava data found HERE.

Gear Used:
Stance mid crew socks
TNF Better than naked skirt, singlet, Stow N Go bra
TNF Ultra Cardiac shoes
Julbo Sunglasses
Salomon pack & Soft flasks
1 smooth caffeinator Picky Bar
1 Clif gel every 30 mins
1 salt S!Cap every 30-40 mins
Too many to count Cups of Coke
4 green otter pops, 1 orange. (Pink is my favorite)

"Born To Die"- Marin Ultra Challenge 50k

"Feet don't fail me now, Take me to the finish line

Oh my heart it breaks, every step that I take"

-Lana Del Rey

It was totally fitting that Lana del Rey's song Born to Die and those lyrics were the first song I heard when I pressed play on my ipod. It was dark and I was pitter pattering behind Jenny Capel and another lady. We were winding up the first climb under the lights of the Golden Gate Bridge. It was spectacular. It was also starting to hurt.

Ready to Roll with my lucky T shirt.

Toeing the line at the Marin Ultra Challenge 50k I didn't quite know what to expect. Being the weekend after dead week and before finals week, I didn't exactly have the time to do extensive homework on this race. Before the race began, I studied the course map and sharpied the outline of six hills on my arm so I could keep track. (Elevation tat old school style)

Going up that first hill, right from the start, was definitely a good kick in the rear to wake up and get running. I lost contact with Jenny but kept her within sight. Winding up the SCA trail towards Coastal reminded me a lot of CCC- with little lights zip zagging their way up the hill and melting in with the stars. I was so happy that I had managed to last minute find my headlamp in the depths of my car. Going downhill, I let gravity do it's work and rolled along towards Fort Kronkite. It was getting a little bit more light out, enough that I could switch off the headlamp. I had a very short conversation with one guy who asked if I was doing the 50 mile. I laughed and said, looking at my watch, if I were in the 50 mile I would be in deep trouble later. He laughed and replied, "I'm in the 50k, too, but I'm starting to think I'll be in trouble anyways"

I had almost caught back up with Jenny, but the man and her skirted up Hill 88, or as I like to refer to it, "the hill of eighty-hates". I hate that climb, no matter what distance race I am doing. Stairs, steepness, soul-suckingness. I powerwalked the stairs and somehow made it up the rest of the climb. I was heavily rewarded with one of the most stunning sunrises I've seen; gorgeous colors in crisp air veiled Mt. Tam and the hills on that side, as well as golden sunlight caressing the Headlands and setting fire to San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge.

Home sweet home. Thanks Daddy!

Taking in the sunrise, I was also greeted by Kara Teklinsky and her friends out for a run- I got a nice high five from her. (Thank you! Made my morning!) Heading downhill on Wolf Ridge, something in my stomach wasn't right. I had started taking in my gels at forty minute intervals with one right before the start, and a salt tab the first hour (and then subsequently at forty minute intervals). Unfortunately, my usual breakfast was too heavy for that kind of big effort and fast exertion. (steel cut oats with almond butter, blueberries, scrambled egg, coffee & almond milk). It made it known that that was the cause, if you know what I mean. This was at mile 8ish, but I only had stopped for less than three seconds, and continued rolling downhill towards Tennessee Valley. At that aid station I filled my bottle and continued down the road towards Coastal. I wasn't feeling comfortable or very good at all. I took a glance at my watch and apparently I was going 7:20 pace. Well no wonder! I didn't really slow down though... At this point, I was running alone; I had passed a couple men, but nobody stuck with me. My shorts had been falling down on all the downhills and "flats", which was super frustrating, but I didn't dare stop to try and fix them... Oh, well.

Jorge telling people what to do and me studying. Typical.
PC Michael Stricklan

I have always known Coastal from Tennessee Valley to Muir Beach to be deceptively tough. Though, I think going into that section knowing it would be tough, made it not seem AS bad... I still wasn't feeling great going along here, probably just the uncomfortable-ness of running hard and nearing the halfway point. So, to compensate, I took a Clif Double shot espresso gel at my forty minute mark. I took two with me as these guys work "magic" as my emergency revival reserves. At Muir Beach, I was ready to go.

Running down the road and along Redwood Creek, I felt I was moving pretty well. My stride felt good and I was happy to be back in my favorite place. In the weeks prior since Bandera, Meghan has given me some fun workouts and they've really boosted my confidence. One of them, I had struggled to do in the past year when she had given it to me, but in February, I nailed it and so I had that happiness in my back pocket. She's been such an incredible coach & role model in my life- I can't believe its only been ONE year that she's coached me! I thought about her a lot and tried to channel her TOUGHness & Badassery. On this section of trail, I passed several men (I kept hoping to run back into Jenny, but she is just too good on the climbs!). I took one unmarked turn and thought I had gotten lost. However, I knew where the next climb was and that the trail would take me there, so I kept going. (Don't worry, I was still on course after all; benefits of racing home turf!) Heading up Miwok (pronounced "Me-Walk"), I was struggling. I was in the paincave and had been from the get go. I was trying to hold on for dear life. I had the worst cramps ever (period pains I'm pretty sure) but it could've been from the Gu. I just didn't want to eat at all, but I knew I had to. I kept wanting to slow down or stop, but I knew that I was already in this so I couldn't quit, and to run faster would mean I would finish faster.

Coastal mid Gu.
PC Nate Dunn

Reaching the top, I was ecstatic. One of my favorite downhills in Marin was Dias Ridge trail to Muir Beach (again). I was running at full speed down, sliding around the switchback turns. If I wasn't in so much discomfort, I would've had a lot of fun with that. There was one man who was with the SFRC group run that talked to me for a bit. He was telling me about his Ragnar team and how he was training for that. He was also talking about his Way Too Cool 50k and who won and how everybody in the area did (I didn't have the energy to tell him I already knew- haha!). He was very nice and cheered for me / shouted encouragements when I was heading into the Muir aid station. (He was peeling off to head up what I call the "Muir Bitch Climb"- Thank god we didn't have to do that). On this little out and back I finally saw Jenny! I knew I was close! I rushed in, filled my bottle, grabbed a dixie cup of coke and rushed out ASAP.

The entire time going up Middle Green Gulch ("Middle Mean Gulch"), I could see her little black skirt and blue singlet weaving above me. She is too tough on those climbs and I couldn't catch back up. Heading back down to Tennessee Valley I was in a world of pain.

The song playing on my ipod resonating deeply:

"Hold on tight, it's a roller coaster ride we're on.

So say goodnight, cause we won't be back again.

Up and Down (I'm) All around,

Say Goodnight And Goodbye" - Jonas Brothers

Finalllllllyyyyyyy

I was grunting up Marincello and probably making a scene but I didn't care. (I have no nicknames for Marincello other than some special words). The hill seemed never ending because as soon as it was finished, come Alta, and then the deceivingly not flat or downhill SCA. At the top of Marincello I heard someone call my name and I forget what she said, but it turned out to be Lauri! (Thanks girl!) It was really nice to hear a familiar voice and was the kick in my butt I needed to get into higher gear. I was almost done, I could push extra hard now. On Alta, I saw Mrs. Semling, a teacher from my high school out for a hike. She said good job on my "fifteen mile run" (didn't have the energy to correct her, nor was I able to form words) and said she'd tell Mary Churchill, my high school coach & friend, that I was doing well- haha little did she know I had plans with Mary for later!

Once I hit the SCA trail going down to the bridge parking lot, I tried to let it all hang out there. I had no water left, and less than two miles to go. That downhill hurt like a bitch. Just when I was getting to the parking lot though, I saw Dylan Bowman on a stretcher and an ambulance/ fire truck crew helping him with Harmony. I had no idea what had happened, but it freaked me out seeing him like that! (He had suffered in the heat and had severe dehydration, but is on the mend now and thankfully okay!)

aaaaannnndddd I'm going down....

Winding down the road towards the finish, under the Golden Gate Bridge, I caught sight of Jenny. I was determined to catch her. I ignored the sirens going off in my legs and tried to move faster, faster faster... She just kept getting out of reach each turn! According to my watch, I was running 6:20 pace trying to catch her- damn her legs can just keep rolling out of reach! I finished the race 30 seconds behind her in 5:06 for 4th place women's, 24th overall, and 2nd (well that's a first!!) in the 20-29 AG. I immediately sat down on the ground and a couple people came over to say goodjob. (I don't exactly remember, but I do know that Victor came over asking if I'd lie down in a fetal position for another picture haha!) My legs hurt a LOT after, but I was so happy to be done and so happy I was able to push myself and keep pushing myself. I got to chat with friends after the race and was so happy to see them. However, it was short lived as I had to wake up at 4:45 am to drive back to SLO for work the next morning (boy was that rough), and study for finals (ugh). I had wanted really badly to think about or talk with fellow racers about stuff that will be covered on my Immunology final, but I was literally unable to think , I was in such an incapacitated brain fog!

Next up, I have Leona Divide 50m! I'm so excited to explore SoCal's trails and try at another 50m distance- this time actually racing it! I also have registered for Pine to Palm 100m and I'm very much looking forward to that.

What Finals Week does to you....

HERE is my strava data from the race.

It's a known fact Sparkles make you faster

Gear Used:

TNF Ultra "Heart Attack" Cardiac shoes

Stance mid-calf compression socks

TNF Better than Naked shorts & Stow N Go Bra (to hold my Gu and ipod!)

Gu- Salted Watermelon x3, Roctane x2, Clif Double Shot Espresso x2. 

S!Caps kept in my Nathan water bottle

Whoops Julbo sunglasses & Petzl Tikka RXP headlamp

Race Report: Bandera 100k

Shaking it out with Fernando!

Texas, where everything bites, stings and burns. How true is that statement! To start out, I’d like to say I went into this race with a fat ego, thinking it would be pancake flat, fast and I’d get my MUC spot to Western States. I’d had a great TNF50 race while feeling oh so casual. Very early into this race would my ego meet it’s match…

 Following TNF50, December was all about maintaining fitness and recovering. Sliding around in the mud in the Marin Headlands for 50 miles had caused the posterior tendon on my ankle to give me some issues as well as that calf felt pretty tight, thus resulting in mild footpain whenever I hit technical trails. This gave me some cause of concern because all I had heard about Bandera was that it was very rocky and technical. I trusted in my abilities to maneuver such terrain, but spent most of December running on roads, fire roads or smooth singletrack. I had also been doing several runs at midday to prepare for the Texas heat…

Prerace: clean, a little warm, & confident

 Fast forward to days before the race, while in SLO I casually pulled up the weather forecast for Bandera on Saturday. The high was predicted to be 32 degrees with a chance of snow. What?! Race history has typically been in the 60s-70s with humidity. All of a sudden I had no idea what I would wear, what I would do for nutrition and what would happen. I kinda panicked a bit…

"Multicolored nails are the secrets to success"- Rory Bosio

 

Thursday Jan 8^th, I flew to San Antonio and met up with Fernando, a great friend from SF. We drove to Bandera and stayed the night just outside of town. I wore a single long sleeve, two different types of gloves and shorts on our Friday shakeout to test how cold it really was. My mom flew into Texas that night as she would crew for me all Saturday. Pretty soon it was race morning and I was sitting nervously sipping coffee. HERE is the women’s race preview.

I had to put my age group bib on my butt....

The gun went off and we went racing up the trail. The sun had just risen and it was still very, very cold. We immediately began climbing up the first hill. It was short, but the rocks were like stairs and the previous day’s rainfall had given them a nice fresh coat of ice. I settled with a couple women: Aliza and I think Nicole, but then they moved up and I joined another couple women: Leslie, Ashley & Traci. We were talking casually and getting to know each other. One of the funnier moments of the day was, I think it was Leslie and Ashley, were talking about how many/how old their kids were. They then asked me if I had any kids, to which I frantically responded “No! I’m twenty!!” Then they asked me if I was married! Haha! Not even close!

Where do I put these gels? (PC Victor B.)

This was the start- as none of us were covered in blood...

The first 15 miles or so were uneventful. Traci and I were rolling along and chatting some. The sotol was alive and well on the trail, which quickly bloodied up our legs pretty good. (She had pants so she didn’t really feel it). In these first 17 or so miles I was running relatively well, but it wasn’t with the ease I felt at TNF50. The trail was rocky, covered in ice, slick mud, or clay-like mud that sticks to your shoes, making them feel like bricks. Traci pulled away from me and I soon got into a rhythm with another guy, who happened to be from the Bay Area. We chatted some, but around mile 26, I started to feel really really crappy. My legs were hurting on the brutally steep, rocky downhills and the climbs were very steep as well. I was losing it mentally and I was cold. I really wanted to drop at the 50k. I had been thinking about it all those miles leading up to it. But I was also thinking about all the people back home cheering me on and supporting me. Also, I though about calling my coach Meghan post-drop and trying to explain to her why I had to DNF. None of my reasons were good enough and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to let anyone down and I didn’t have any physical ailment hindering me other than it just sucked and I was tired. (My foot pain- didn’t feel it once!) Once I got to 50k, my mom and Victor Ballesteros were there. I grabbed two advil, more Gu, a Clif Double Shot Espresso and was turned around so quickly I didn’t have a chance to drop. So I figured I might as well finish it…

Heading up the first hill, I was greeted with more & more Sotol. I learned I was in 7^th place and Leslie and Traci were hot on my tail. I had passed Traci heading up to the climbs towards the 50k mark and Leslie ran into the start/finish as I was headed out for the second loop. I saw a woman in all Buff gear climbing up. This further gave me motivation and I used a burst of speed to pass her. On the downhill, I smoked her; she was daintily avoiding the rocks whereas I just hurdled them. Soon, I couldn’t see her behind me and relaxed a bit. The game plan was to take the first 50k conservatively, use the second loop to move and give it my all on the last 10 miles especially. Pretty soon, I was running by myself with nobody to be seen and along rolling, gray, boring terrain. That part was tough. I had my ipod to keep me company.

Coming into Last chance at mi 26.

I came into the aid station at mile 42 and asked what place I was and how far ahead the others were. They didn’t know how far ahead they were, but I was now in 5^th place as Melanie had just dropped. I knew 5^th and 4^th were together at the 50k, so I figured she couldn’t be much farther ahead. I tried running faster and making up lost time, but I was so depleted and the mud and ice didn’t allow for very fast running. I had a glimmer of hope that I may be able to get the MUC spot. I kept repeating my mantras: Meghan had told me to “Be F**king Tough” and I kept telling myself “C’mon, you want this more than anything, where’s your hunger & fire?” The sotol stopped burning and I just didn’t give a sh*t anymore that I was going through a forest of razor blades.

I got to the first Cross Roads aid station a little out of sorts and was a bit rough with my mom and short of patience. I took off on the next, rockier part of that little loop and noticed my water tasted really funny. I couldn’t quite understand why: was I hungry? Was it just bad tap water? Will I get sick from it? I kept sipping it regardless to stay hydrated. Later, I found out when I asked my mom to put salt caps in my bottle (I meant the holder pocket), she had put a handful of them in the actual bottle with the water; I was basically drinking clean ocean water. Ha!

The snow-rain had washed most of it off...

I soon, finished that loop and before I knew it I was back at cross roads. I grabbed my headlamp and headed out for the last ten miles. Game time. I “sped” up (it’s all relative at this point) and kept trying to push myself up and over the climbs. It was really hard at that point. My quads were toast, but I had no idea how far ahead the other women were. My next goal, when I realized I wouldn’t get the MUC spot (I tried not to let this derail me) was to break 11 hours, I was borderline on pace for it, but it was definitely going to be a push. When I hit Last Chance with 5 miles to go and the two worst climbs of the course, I was gunning it. I took another Double Shot espresso and ran as hard as I could. I couldn’t even stop to pee really quickly because I was so focused on finishing. I was so so close! The minutes ticked by even closer to 11 hours and I was still a bit farther out. It was pure anguish at that point. Three of my favorite songs came on, by chance, to take me in: Santana’s “Smooth”, Madonna’s “4 minutes” (fitting for the time frame), and Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off”. The final descent came and I was sprinting (again, relatively) at that point. I didn’t care if I was stubbing my toes on the rocks; I just had to get over them as fast as I could possibly muster. I wasn’t even on the homestretch before tears came unknowingly. I ran across the line right into my mom’s arms. (No fetal position with Victor to console me this time!) The race director, Joe Prusaitis, asked how old I was and then remarked to the crowd how he needs to start carding at his races (a 19 yr old ran to 3^rd place). I was given my awards and we drove to the best and only taqueria in Bandera (my mom, Fernando and I).

Looking a little Traumatized

I had finished 13^th overall, 5^th woman (4^th USATF woman), with a time of 11:01.50. (Oh so close). It’s bitingly disappointing to not achieve my goals and not get a spot to Western States 100 (Especially when it was 34 minutes away), but given the conditions and tough as nails competition, I am happy with this accomplishment. I guess I ran a 100k & 50 mi PR, my 2^nd fastest 50k & 4^th fastest 50k… (5:20 & 5:41). I’m pretty humbled and glad to have overcome mental canyons. This blog post was pretty hard to write; I am still feeling upset and down. Most people are asking what is next, and I have no idea. Maybe pursue a spot to WS somewhere else? It’s a tough call. Five weeks between a 50miler and this was hard to do, I don’t know if I can do it again. I am definitely aiming to do a 100 this summer, it’s just difficult to know at the moment. So, I guess stay tuned…

His name is "Waffles"

As always, I am oh so grateful to my supportive family, friends, and community. My mom came to crew me and did a fabulous job of putting up with me and keeping me decently happy for 11 hours, then taking on the mom role of taking care of me post race. All my friends supporting and encouraging me back home was really motivating and I definitely wouldn’t have the strength to finish without thoughts of all of you. Fernando is truly an amazing travel companion and I’d be so lost without him pretty much organizing the trip. World’s best coach award goes to Meghan Arbogast; her advice, knowledge, and friendship means the world to me and I’m so happy to have The Queen as a role model to learn from. Huge shoutout to The North Face for creating amazing gear that kept me warm and content all day long. I’d also like to say I’m super excited to be a part of Julbo’s family for 2015, repping the sickest shades on the market. (They matched perfectly with my outfit) As well as on Petzl’s regional team; I’d be crawling blindly through the hills without the RXP headlamp.

For all those curious, data-analyzing folks out there, HERE is my strava data. Also, HERE is the post race interview with Victor Ballesteros & UltraSportsLive.tv (Note: I am not all “there”, as I literally had JUST finished…)

Gear Used:

Garmin 910xt

Julbo sunglasses- Access

SFRC buff

TNF Ultra Cardiac shoes

TNF rain jacket, light windbreaker, arm sleeves, T shirt, skirt, gloves, Stow N Go Bra

Stance mid-calf compression socks

Petzl Tikka RXP

 

Nutrition:

4 dixie cups of coke

Water

S! Caps (1 every hour plus the ones mixed in my water…)

Gu Energy Gel & Clif Double Shot Espresso (1 gel every 30 minutes)