How Deep Is Your Love?

This year started off better than ever. January I put in one of the best training blocks I had ever thought to accomplish. Running splits in workouts faster than I even thought I could, surprising myself continuously every Tuesday. Followed up with back to back epic long runs. Then in February I was sidelined with an awful back injury. It came out of nowhere and quickly turned all my plans and goals for the year on their head. Black Canyon 100k ended at mile 20 with my second DNF (2nd in a row, too, to add insult to the previous six months of injury & rebuilding). But that story was already told...

Bishop's Peak. My new favorite workout arena.

I hit PT hard. Pilates, weights, squats, one day off mandatory per week... I came back gradually. So gradual, it felt unbearable. I checked all the boxes and crossed all my t's. I was becoming really strong from the cross training and had a good base. Soon, I was crushing some of my runs. It felt really, really good. So I got comfortable. Cruising up the coastal mountains and gliding over technical trails, I had grins bigger than a Cheshire cat pasted on my face. Things started to look up and I dreamt up some big ideas.

I'd follow Loren Fisher anywhere in the world.

Three weeks ago I started to feel very tired. My runs seemed to be dragging and I accounted that to lack of sleep. Then when I took a 3 hour nap after class inadvertently (after sleeping 10 hours the night before), I knew something was up. Of course my mind went immediately to Lyme Disease. It presents like mono and I have had it before. Some days that week I couldn't run. I was sleeping a lot and missing out on daily activities. I got a blood test and that came back negative for Lyme (thank god). but I had low ferritin. Stephanie told me that anemia only occurs when low ferritin is in combination with low RBCs. But I was still SO tired. Biking two miles to school I felt like I was going to pass out from exertion. I started taking iron anyways.


The anguish and frustration set in. I wasn't myself and I was stressed. I hated how the act of standing up from my desk caused fatigue and light headedness. I didn't even want to go to class most days, as waking up seemed almost impossible. I was an endurance athlete! We push our bodies for HOURS... DAYS even!

I have a journal I write messages to myself of various sorts.

I went to visit my best friend Loren and her boyfriend, Chad, up in Bishop over the weekend. She was car camping, skiing, running, climbing, and adventuring for the entire month of April. We had made plans to run up White Mountain, a 14er that we had both yet to check off The List. I took my boyfriend Zach with me. We climbed in Owen's River Gorge, he got to mountain bike, we hiked at Convict Lake, he learn to glissade on Esha Peak, camp, soaked in hot springs, and we did a light jog (read: 15 min max for me). It was a perfect weekend. However, being at 9000' made me feel like I was at 18,000'. I accidentally took a parking lot nap while they played on Esha. I was thoroughly disappointed I couldn't play in the mountains as hard as I wanted to. I felt bad because I was probably holding him and the group back, too.

Hiking in the Gorge

So this week, I planned to start running. I wanted desperately to be back on the damn horse. I decided I had been sucking for far too long and that was that. Of course I then get a kidney infection. Super fun. Hit again with more fatigue and an aching back, I was sidelined for a couple more days. As my roommate Ashley says, Nerts. I got on antibiotics and that helped a ton (I have more to say on the subject of antibiotics vs nothing, aka stupidity). I immediately started to feel human by Thursday. I even went on a 20 minute run! (with about 3 stop breaks) So, progress. I was determined and regained some hope. I was excited to run and get back on the trails. I even went to the gym Saturday! I have energy and a smile has started to creep back on my face.

Froyo solves all the world's problems

Wednesday was a different story, though. At around 3 pm I totally lost it. The anxiety, frustration, depression, and general crapiness had been slowly rolling inside; turning over and over. I felt royally of crap and people treated me like crap that day. The pot boiled over; I hit my breaking point. It seemed like every part of my body was failing me. I was sad and anguished over the mess of it all. I had already wiped my 2016 drawing board clean and rebuilt ground-up several times since last July. I didn't want to go through that again, especially this soon. It seemed like I couldn't catch a break. Face down on the floor, I hated myself. I hated everything about what I was doing at the moment. The people at my school, the small town with no forests, my boring intro classes, but mostly I hated my body... I have such big dreams and aspirations, but seem to be failing every time I set my sights on something with one health issue after another. I was doing everything right in my eyes. The feeling of helplessness and ineptitude took hold. I didn't want to text Stephanie because I knew exactly what she would say. I just wanted to wallow in it all.

No caption needed.

Thursday morning I biked to school and was listening to my tunes. I was gripping the handlebars a little tighter than usual and had a grimace on my face ("resting bitch glare"). If looks could kill... On shuffle, my ipod came up with the Calvin Harris song, How Deep Is Your Love. To preface this, every song on my running playlist has a purpose: they are upbeat, funny, joyful, and have a mantra of sorts. The line "Hit me harder, again. How deep is your love?"... well... it hit me hard. I thought about how you have to dig deep and really battle yourself more than anything in this sport. The mind is the most dangerous opponent. Physical obstacles are just roadblocks that sideline us. But the questioning, doubting, and fear they instil is incomparable. In the psyche, this has two outcomes: either takes you down into a irrevocable spiral or makes you stronger for it while lighting a fire. Listening to the techno beat, I decided for the latter.

I still feel wildly out of shape (I know fitness is there, it's just hiding). I'm trying really hard not to lose it again and be smart. It's hard and the mental Olympics are even harder. I have some goals and I will make them happen. It's still, after all, only May. I know my body is a fierce fighter through all these issues and I have been incredibly lucky. So I'm going to keep fighting. I guess I should start playing the Grateful Game again, huh Steph?

"So tell me how deep is your love, can you go deeper?"