How Deep Is Your Love?

This year started off better than ever. January I put in one of the best training blocks I had ever thought to accomplish. Running splits in workouts faster than I even thought I could, surprising myself continuously every Tuesday. Followed up with back to back epic long runs. Then in February I was sidelined with an awful back injury. It came out of nowhere and quickly turned all my plans and goals for the year on their head. Black Canyon 100k ended at mile 20 with my second DNF (2nd in a row, too, to add insult to the previous six months of injury & rebuilding). But that story was already told...

Bishop's Peak. My new favorite workout arena.

I hit PT hard. Pilates, weights, squats, one day off mandatory per week... I came back gradually. So gradual, it felt unbearable. I checked all the boxes and crossed all my t's. I was becoming really strong from the cross training and had a good base. Soon, I was crushing some of my runs. It felt really, really good. So I got comfortable. Cruising up the coastal mountains and gliding over technical trails, I had grins bigger than a Cheshire cat pasted on my face. Things started to look up and I dreamt up some big ideas.

I'd follow Loren Fisher anywhere in the world.

Three weeks ago I started to feel very tired. My runs seemed to be dragging and I accounted that to lack of sleep. Then when I took a 3 hour nap after class inadvertently (after sleeping 10 hours the night before), I knew something was up. Of course my mind went immediately to Lyme Disease. It presents like mono and I have had it before. Some days that week I couldn't run. I was sleeping a lot and missing out on daily activities. I got a blood test and that came back negative for Lyme (thank god). but I had low ferritin. Stephanie told me that anemia only occurs when low ferritin is in combination with low RBCs. But I was still SO tired. Biking two miles to school I felt like I was going to pass out from exertion. I started taking iron anyways.


The anguish and frustration set in. I wasn't myself and I was stressed. I hated how the act of standing up from my desk caused fatigue and light headedness. I didn't even want to go to class most days, as waking up seemed almost impossible. I was an endurance athlete! We push our bodies for HOURS... DAYS even!

I have a journal I write messages to myself of various sorts.

I went to visit my best friend Loren and her boyfriend, Chad, up in Bishop over the weekend. She was car camping, skiing, running, climbing, and adventuring for the entire month of April. We had made plans to run up White Mountain, a 14er that we had both yet to check off The List. I took my boyfriend Zach with me. We climbed in Owen's River Gorge, he got to mountain bike, we hiked at Convict Lake, he learn to glissade on Esha Peak, camp, soaked in hot springs, and we did a light jog (read: 15 min max for me). It was a perfect weekend. However, being at 9000' made me feel like I was at 18,000'. I accidentally took a parking lot nap while they played on Esha. I was thoroughly disappointed I couldn't play in the mountains as hard as I wanted to. I felt bad because I was probably holding him and the group back, too.

Hiking in the Gorge

So this week, I planned to start running. I wanted desperately to be back on the damn horse. I decided I had been sucking for far too long and that was that. Of course I then get a kidney infection. Super fun. Hit again with more fatigue and an aching back, I was sidelined for a couple more days. As my roommate Ashley says, Nerts. I got on antibiotics and that helped a ton (I have more to say on the subject of antibiotics vs nothing, aka stupidity). I immediately started to feel human by Thursday. I even went on a 20 minute run! (with about 3 stop breaks) So, progress. I was determined and regained some hope. I was excited to run and get back on the trails. I even went to the gym Saturday! I have energy and a smile has started to creep back on my face.

Froyo solves all the world's problems

Wednesday was a different story, though. At around 3 pm I totally lost it. The anxiety, frustration, depression, and general crapiness had been slowly rolling inside; turning over and over. I felt royally of crap and people treated me like crap that day. The pot boiled over; I hit my breaking point. It seemed like every part of my body was failing me. I was sad and anguished over the mess of it all. I had already wiped my 2016 drawing board clean and rebuilt ground-up several times since last July. I didn't want to go through that again, especially this soon. It seemed like I couldn't catch a break. Face down on the floor, I hated myself. I hated everything about what I was doing at the moment. The people at my school, the small town with no forests, my boring intro classes, but mostly I hated my body... I have such big dreams and aspirations, but seem to be failing every time I set my sights on something with one health issue after another. I was doing everything right in my eyes. The feeling of helplessness and ineptitude took hold. I didn't want to text Stephanie because I knew exactly what she would say. I just wanted to wallow in it all.

No caption needed.

Thursday morning I biked to school and was listening to my tunes. I was gripping the handlebars a little tighter than usual and had a grimace on my face ("resting bitch glare"). If looks could kill... On shuffle, my ipod came up with the Calvin Harris song, How Deep Is Your Love. To preface this, every song on my running playlist has a purpose: they are upbeat, funny, joyful, and have a mantra of sorts. The line "Hit me harder, again. How deep is your love?"... well... it hit me hard. I thought about how you have to dig deep and really battle yourself more than anything in this sport. The mind is the most dangerous opponent. Physical obstacles are just roadblocks that sideline us. But the questioning, doubting, and fear they instil is incomparable. In the psyche, this has two outcomes: either takes you down into a irrevocable spiral or makes you stronger for it while lighting a fire. Listening to the techno beat, I decided for the latter.

I still feel wildly out of shape (I know fitness is there, it's just hiding). I'm trying really hard not to lose it again and be smart. It's hard and the mental Olympics are even harder. I have some goals and I will make them happen. It's still, after all, only May. I know my body is a fierce fighter through all these issues and I have been incredibly lucky. So I'm going to keep fighting. I guess I should start playing the Grateful Game again, huh Steph?

"So tell me how deep is your love, can you go deeper?"

Running with Mono

Two weeks ago, I found the reason I had been feeling so crappy lately: I have mono. Mono is a virus that is transmitted primarily through saliva- sharing drinks, meals, etc. Once you get mono, the virus is always in your system, but it is just inactive. It can be reactivated through physical exertion, compromising the immune system, and high stress. People that are infected with mono typically are exhausted all the time; and the only real remedy is lots and lots of sleep and rest. It can last from weeks to months and the severity of the symptoms range greatly.

It's affecting my running- I can't run on flat roads!

According to my blood test, this is the second time I have had mono, however I cannot remember when I would have had it the first time! My guess is that I got it reactivated either right before my CCC race (I was sick ALL raceweek) or the race pushed my immune system and bodily stress over the edge with the lack of sleep, physical exertion, weather, etc. The lines are blurry between race fatigue and mono fatigue, so I am unsure as to when I got it. However, my doctor said anywhere from four weeks ago to 2.5 months ago. I also apparently have Lyme disease, which is bacterial infection most commonly transmitted by tick bites (guess I should go bushwacking to find new trails!). It can be cured by early treatment of doxycycline antibiotics, but it also causes great fatigue. So, in short, there is a small party of virus and bacteria in me that is raging so hard I need to sleep all the time.

My heart was happy here

My best friends

I don't have too drastic of symptoms though. I'm tired, mostly in the afternoon, but with naps and long nights of sleep I'm fine. I can handle my schoolwork and my training and work. If I do too much in a day without much of a break then I get super fatigued, but I am exercising the concept of listening to my body. If I feel like I am digging myself in a hole or my run feels like more of a drag, then I will just turn around and wait for another day. Two wednesdays ago I was supposed to do mile repeats hard with a HR monitor to see where I was at. I only did 3/4 of the ones assigned. The third one was so much slower and I was so spent by then. During my recovery jogs in between I literally felt like I was going to fall asleep. So I stopped and just did my cool down. Thursday I did not run. I was so stressed and had three big tests spread over an 8 hour period of straight class & lab. It just wasn't going to happen when I got out of class at 8pm. All that weekend I was so exhausted and didn't have the time to run the miles given with all the sleep I needed.

These fall colors, unreal!

This past week I put in all my required miles, which felt like such an incredible accomplishment! However, my wednesday workout was again crap. But I am working on that! This weekend I took a little getaway to Tahoe. After work on Saturday night I drove up to the mountains and crashed on Rory Bosio's couch (She is the most generous and sweetest!). She had just finished a hospital shift so she spent the day sleeping in and other activities while I joined my coach Meghan Arbogast and Mark for a run. It was a lovely "22" miles (garmin read 21- were calling it 22) from Spooner lake, up to Marlette Lake, through the aspens to Snow Valley Peak, then back along the TRT course to Spooner.
My heart was soaring with happiness to run through the lovely trees, the fall colors, the glistening lake and smooth granite. I danced through the first 13 miles smiling, laughing, and skipping along.  However, I hit a wall of exhaustion. I normally never feel any fatigue from the altitude, but this was definitely due to my compromised immune system. My legs were fine, but I felt like I was sleepwalking at some points! It was a fabulous day and I loved running with Meghan. The next morning, I got to do a short loop in Rory's backyard up Donner pass and it was great! I felt way better and like I could do that loop again and again. It was sad to leave the mountains and head back to SLO, but it is like I am emotionally recharged.

Meghan charging ahead

Queen on her throne

It's hard because I have so many goals and obviously want to be the best I can be in several areas- school, running, and my job. It's hard that I am not consciously in control, my immune system is. I can't force myself to study for more than four hours at a time, which sets me back in the competition for As. My workouts, which before gave me such joy and accomplishment, are crap and a struggle. My long runs aren't all that long and I grow more tired as the miles go on. However, I guess this can be a sort of character building experience. It is so emotionally vexing to not be in control and frustrating to be trying so hard, but to no avail. It is also hard to deal with since I have not done anything in terms of causing injury, but I guess abide by time. A lesson in patience, which I am so bad with. I'll give it my best effort, but I guess eventually it will show.

Anyone up for a swim?

Running is a Sin Wave

Triathlete Jesse Thomas said it best in his most recent blog post, "Without the lows there wouldn't be the highs."

Recently I posted about how great my week has going. I had some quality workouts and hill climbs! Then over the weekend I had planned on doing a 15 miler Sunday. I somehow woke up feeling so out of it- stuffy nose, phlegmy throat and a cough. Coupled with a whopping headache, I just wasn't feeling great. I had only gotten about 4 hours of sleep and 2 miles into my run with my teammates, I had to turn around. It just wasn't working out. I felt like shit and would feel even worse every step if I continued. I tried running again Monday, but my teammate tripped and we only ended up running 1 mile. Which is a blessing in disguise, because I really needed another rest day to fully recover.

It isn't that bad- three days off? But for some, it's terrible. As competitive runners, we are so concerned with the quantity of miles, the amount of tempo work, the certain splits we MUST run in order to climb our way up to our chartered success.  But then we get run down. We start feeling very fatigued. Running becomes a chore and not a diversionary source of pleasure and release.  Before you know it, we are burnt out, unmotivated, and underperforming, or worse, injured.

So, we must take these lows and embrace them.  Accept them for what they are- our bodies reminding us to have fun and also enjoy resting.

I came back and ran a quality workout on Tuesday. 400, 800, 1200, 800, 400, 800, 1200, 4x100 ladder. I felt steady, strong and awesome. Then I took it easy Wednesday, and had a inadvertent 7min pace tempo for 5 miles.  I had an awesome tempo to the Dipsea 5mi mark and back.

It was an awesome week of quality running. I didn't necessarily hit my target amount of miles, but I am very pleased with all the work and quality running I had put in.

Monday (yesterday), I ran 20 mi on the headlands 50k course. I started just outside the parking lot of Muir Beach, ran through Green Gulch to the start of Coastal heading South. I have always struggled with this trail as it is very steep and hilly. But I was able to complete it sucessfully, a huge plus.  Then I bombed down the hills towards Tennessee Valley, cut through and started the arduous climb up Wolf Ridge.  I'm going to have to do repeats up this. Its soooo steep! I was exhausted half way up.  I started walking but only made it 50 ft before I started running again.  (i was uncomfortable walking haha). But instead of doing a loop in the headlands as the course routes, I cut across the ridge to Old Springs trail and bombed that down to Tennessee Valley parking lot.

Then comes the hard climb up Miwok.  I took that slow and steady until I got to the flat part, where I could open my stride up again. I was able to hit sub 8 min mis on the downhill and flat sections, which is pretty awesome considering.  Then I crossed high way 1 onto Diaz Ridge.  I was supposed to keep going on Miwok down into Muir woods, but I got a little turned around.  After that had sorted out, I bombed it down.  The trail was gorgeously green and I had a little fun hurdling logs along the way. (should've been a steeplechaser!) I made it down to Muir woods, crossed Muir Woods rd, and started the even more arduous climb up Cardiac. (Deer park onto Dipsea trail). In the 50k course, I cannot use the shortcuts, so I had to take the long way up.

I'd have to say, I felt pretty awesome throughout the run, not struggling and definitely managing the climbs.  But the climb up Cardiac was the worst point in the course. Mile 15-17.5 were when I "hit the wall". I made sure to hydrate regularly and consume shot bloks so it wasn't too bad. After getting to the top, the course normally makes a loop down Matt Davis to Stinson beach and back up the dipsea, very hard climb but super rewarding trails.

After that, I was able to race down the resumed course on Heather Cutoff.  This trail is great. Super beautiful and a lot of fun on the switchbacks.  I was definitely smiling.  Then it empties out onto Santos Meadow.  The start and finish of the 50k.  I stopped for a second to take it in, memorize it, and then picture myself breaking the tape.  I smiled and raced back to my car.  (the very start of the race goes from the meadow, along Redwood Creek tr to where I had parked).

My stats: 20 mi, 3:34 hr, 4100' of climbing.  I burned close to 3 kcal and stopped to do leg swings after each climb.  (bottom of cardiac too)

Fabulous run. I had a lot of fun, but I was also humbled.  I still have a long ways to go and a lot of work.  But I have three months to ready myself for mountain climbing.  I can't wait.  I will emerge victorious!

Some pics from the run:

Heather Cutoff

My watch and Skoras after

Santos Meadow!

View from top of Miwok with tam and Diaz Ridge in distance

Trail Runner Diaries #2

Dear Diary,

This week has been AWESOME! I KILLED my workouts, and by killed, I mean obliterated.  I felt great all week and put in some solid miles.

then BAM! today sucked. It was the last running day of the week so naturally, it was supposed to be long. I planned on running about 13.5-14 miles.  Then when i got out to the track and met up with my teammates, I just had the feeling I wasn't on top of my game.

I was tired, it was already super hot at 9 am, and I had a rough night last night. Not the best recipe for a long run...

So we start out, super easy pace, Poly Canyon loop first. (I was going to add on after since its only a 9 mi loop).

I thought to myself that its just the beginning of the run; I just need to shake it off; I just need to get over the "warmup" hills.  (Note: these hills SUCK. The ground is super uneven from the rain season, which made the trail into a mud pit. With the cows constantly walking around in it, their hoof prints eventually dried into a broken-ankle causing, treacherous, work every muscle in your lower leg, kind of a trail.)

Then we got to the highest point, three miles in and fully sucking. We start downhill and before you know it, both my feet "fall asleep"! (Something I have no idea why it happens, but it just does!)

To save you from the dreary boredom of going through my whole run, I'll abbreviate it: I only did Poly Canyon loop and ended the day with just nine miles.

I am disappointed in myself that I hit the wall at every step and couldn't complete what I had set out to do. However, an important lesson here is listening to my body and being PATIENT! I need to realize that I am not super woman and cannot do everything, yet. I am still in the building phase; it is still the preseason. If my body is telling me that I need to stop, I need to realize that pushing farther will do more harm then good.

Now, this isn't just a free pass to skimp out all the time. If in the middle of a workout I all of a sudden "get tired" or its "so so hard," I need to push through the pain cave walls then! That is when the magic happens and fitness occurs. But on a regular training run at the end of a long week, yes, I can take a little break.

Well, that's all for now.
xox Kelsie

PS GO NINERS!